How to Stop Holding Grudges Islamically: A Practical Guide

The grudge has probably been there a while. Maybe years. You know you should let it go. You have heard the Islamic teaching. You have even tried.

But when you see that person's name on your phone, or someone brings them up in conversation, the feeling returns — tight and familiar. And you wonder if forgiveness is something you actually have the capacity for, or just something you are supposed to say you want.

This is not a character flaw. Grudges are stubborn not because you are spiritually weak, but because they have a function: they feel like protection. The nafs uses them to keep a boundary, to maintain the pain as evidence of the wrong. Letting go feels like letting the person win.

Islam has a very different account of what is actually happening — and a practical path through it.

Why This Matters — The Islamic Case Against Grudges

The Prophet ﷺ said:

"Do not hate one another, do not envy one another, do not turn away from one another — and be brothers, O servants of Allah."

— (Sahih Muslim 2559)

And more specifically, the Prophet ﷺ described hiqd (harboring enmity in the heart) as one of the diseases that corrupt the heart. The one who holds a grudge:

• Blocks their own duas: The Prophet ﷺ said that on the blessed night of the 15th of Sha'ban, Allah forgives all who seek forgiveness except those who associate partners with Him and those who harbor enmity. The grudge literally becomes a barrier between you and forgiveness.
• Carries weight that was never theirs to carry: The Quran describes those who restrain anger and pardon people as among those Allah loves. The grudge is a weight on the one who holds it, not on the one it is aimed at.
• Damages their own heart: The scholars identified hiqd as a spiritual disease in the same category as hasad (envy) — it corrupts the heart from within, progressively narrowing it.

وَالَّذِينَ يَجْتَنِبُونَ كَبَائِرَ الْإِثْمِ وَالْفَوَاحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُوا هُمْ يَغْفِرُونَ

Walladhina yajtanibuna kaba'ira al-ithmi wal-fawahisha wa idha ma ghadhibu hum yaghfirun

"And those who avoid the major sins and immoralities — and when they are angry, they forgive." — (Surah Ash-Shura, 42:37)

Step-by-Step: How to Actually Let Go

Understanding the obligation is not the same as being able to fulfill it. Here is how to move from knowing you should forgive to actually moving the feeling in your heart.

Step 1: Name What Happened — Honestly

Do not start with "I should just forgive and move on." The nafs will use spiritual bypassing to suppress the feeling rather than release it, and suppressed feelings calcify into harder grudges.

Before you can let something go, you have to hold it clearly. What happened? What was the specific harm? What did it take from you — trust, time, security, dignity? Be honest. Write it down if that helps.

This is not dwelling. It is the beginning of genuine release.

Step 2: Separate the Person from the Action

Islam does not ask you to pretend an injustice was not an injustice. The Quran acknowledges that wrongs happen, that oppressors exist, that people betray trust. You are not required to call a wrong a right.

What you are required to release is the hatred of the person — the hiqd — not the accurate memory of what happened. Al-'afw (pardoning) is different from al-taghafful (pretending nothing happened).

"I acknowledge what you did was wrong. I release my claim on you as a debtor to me. I return the account to Allah."

Step 3: Make Dua for the Person

This is the single most effective practical step — and also the one the nafs most resists.

The Prophet ﷺ said to Aisha (ra) about those who wronged her: "Say: O Allah, guide my people, for they do not know." He made dua for those who wronged him — including at Taif, when he had been stoned out of the city and an angel offered to destroy the people. He refused and made dua for them.

Making dua for the person who wronged you does something specific to the grudge. It is impossible to simultaneously hold genuine hatred toward someone and genuinely ask Allah to guide and bless them. One of the feelings has to shift. And when you persist in the dua, it is the grudge that moves.

Start small: "O Allah, guide [person]. O Allah, forgive [person]." You may not mean it fully at first. Keep saying it until something softens.

Step 4: Ask What the Grudge Is Protecting

The nafs holds grudges as protection. Ask yourself: what do I believe will happen if I let this go? Common answers:

• "They will think it was acceptable."
• "I will be vulnerable to being hurt again."
• "I am letting them win."

Each of these can be addressed directly. Forgiving does not mean reconciling. It does not mean trusting again without evidence. It does not mean the person is right. It means you are returning the weight to Allah rather than carrying it yourself.

Step 5: Reconnect With the Person — or Draw a Boundary

If the relationship is worth restoring and the person is safe to be around, the Islamic encouragement is toward reconciliation. The dua for healing relationships and how to forgive someone islamically go deeper on this process.

If the relationship was abusive or the person poses ongoing harm, forgiveness does not require resuming contact. Set a boundary from a place of release, not resentment. "I am not going to carry this anymore, and I am not going to put myself back in a harmful situation."

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Making It Stick — The Habit of Releasing Resentment

Single moments of deciding to forgive are not enough. The nafs resets. The feeling returns in a different form. Sustainable forgiveness requires building a daily practice.

Daily dua for those who hurt you. Even thirty seconds. "O Allah, forgive [name] and guide them." This is the practice that moves the heart over time.

Check in on the feeling periodically. Once a week, notice: am I still carrying this? Has the weight shifted? The what is muhasabah in islam practice — daily self-accounting — is the container for this kind of reflection.

Connect forgiveness to your own need for forgiveness. Allah says in Surah Al-Hashr (59:10): the believers who came after the early Muslims prayed for those who came before them and said "Do not put in our hearts any grudge toward those who believed." They made their own cleanliness of heart a matter of dua. The one who holds a grudge is also the one who needs forgiveness from Allah. Remembering this softens the heart.

Recite the verse of forgiveness. Surah Ash-Shura 42:40 says that whoever pardons and reconciles, their reward is with Allah. The how to be patient islamically guide covers the broader practice of sabr that enables forgiveness.

Common Questions

What if the person never apologized? Forgiveness in Islam is not conditional on an apology. You can — and should — release resentment regardless of whether the other person acknowledges the harm. This is not weakness. It is the recognition that carrying the grudge hurts you, not them.

What if I keep forgiving but the feeling keeps coming back? This is normal. Forgiveness is not a single event — it is a process that may require many iterations. Each time the feeling returns, choose again to release it. Over time, the intervals between returns lengthen. Trust the process.

What about my rights? Does forgiving mean I give up my rights? No. Islam recognizes legal rights (huquq). You can forgive someone in your heart while still pursuing a legitimate right — for compensation, for an apology, for distance. Spiritual forgiveness and legal justice are separate tracks. Both can be pursued.

What if I was wronged by a family member? Silat al-rahim (maintaining family ties) is a stronger obligation, and the prohibition on cutting off family is one of the most serious in Islamic ethics. Family situations often require the hardest work of all — seeking help from a scholar or counselor is not weakness but wisdom when the situation is complex.

The Heart That Lets Go

The Prophet ﷺ was asked who among the people would enter Jannah first. He described a man of simple piety. Then the companions noticed he did so three days in a row and asked what was special about that person. A companion who knew him said: "Every night before sleep, he releases from his heart any ill-feeling toward any Muslim and does not go to sleep with a grudge against anyone."

That is the practice: releasing it before sleep. Every night. Not once. Every night.

You will not get it perfect. But you can build the daily habit of returning to that place — the place where you hand the weight back to Allah and go to sleep lighter.

Build the Daily Practice of Releasing Resentment

Use DeenBack to track your nightly reflection, your dua for those who wronged you, and the daily habit of returning to Allah unburdened by yesterday.

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